Terms of en-gross-ment

Things I wish I hadn't heard while watching Big Brother Uncut:

- "It was like a ghost poo. I looked down and it wasn't there."
- "I've had to change my whole shitting regime."
- "That isn't going to fit."
- "Have I got the correct dick?"
- "Is someone mixing up the boob mixture?"
- "Is that your clit there?"
- "I know it feels uncomfortable but I really have to stick my finger in your crack now."

Things I wish I hadn't learnt about while watching Big Brother Uncut:

- the dirty sanchez
- the cleaveland steamer

Things I promise I'll never do again:

- watch Big Brother Uncut.

Yeah.

The Best Page in the Universe

"This page is about me and why everything I like is great. If you disagree with anything you find on this page, you are wrong."

This guy's page is hilarious - and exactly what the quote above promises it to be. Check out his responses to some of the hate mail he recieves - they own!

You could read this site for years, but here are just some of my favourite pages:
- Unintentionally sexual comic book covers: part 1
- Bill O'Reilly is a big blubbering vagina.

Nice.

Birthday Party Madness

Well, I thought it was a great night, we all got trashed then went home to bed. Speaking of which...

Who the hell put a FIRE HYDRANT in MY BED!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I am pissed off.

President Gorba-cough

Gretel Killeen, actually. You know, like Killeen, Texas - just off the 190 Central Texas Expressway.

Spelling crisis: over. Geography crisis: pending.

But while we're on Gretel, petal, she is not a washed up celebrity. She is actually a best selling children's author in Australia, Europe and Canada. She's no James Van Der Beek Katie Holmes. Nuff said.

Now back to Big Brother. May the blog reflect that I never suggested that just because something is popular, it is good. John Howard won the last election, after all.

I pin criticisms of Big Brother up against criticisms of the OC simply because both are guilty pleasures that attract an almost identical demographic. Watching the OC can be looked down upon just as easily as watching Big Brother, so why bother criticising either?

I don't understand why anyone would put so much energy into disliking a television program that they would bother to work themselves into a expletive filled rage about it.

*cough, cough*

Tell Him He's Dreamin'

Any kind of scripted drama will always beat filming a bunch of retards in a house non stop hands down.

Doesn't really matter if it is Simpsons, OC or McLeods daughters. If a script was written and more than "hey lets have only single / slutty people this time so we can film some sex" was the main motivation to even get behind the camera then there is absolutely no contest.

I don't even want to go down the "does popularity make it the BEST" argument. We all know what the circulation of the Herald Sun and The Age are in comparison but as people with more education than a year 9 drop out some people choose to read The Age because it doesn't encourage mindless popularity and the dumbing down of society.

The OC doesn't discourage the dumbing down of society either but at least people get a bit more entertainment and something different than if they simply turned their heads 180 and watched the people in their lounge room watching big brother because thats all big brother is.

The fact that they change big brother in some way every year is a desperate attempt to milk to death a show and an idea that was pretty much done after season 1. Orwell would be spinning in his grave.

Don't watch, don't sms and don't defend what is a retarted idea taken too far to try and prolong whatever C List celebrity life Gretel Coleen is trying to accomplish.

Revenge of The Sith

So Good, So Good, So Tired

That's me done

Kylie has breast cancer! Tour postponed!

Have you heard?!
FROM ABC ONLINE, 2 MINUTES AGO:
Australian pop singer Kylie Minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
The singer will undergo immediate treatment and her scheduled Australian tour has been postponed.
In a statement released by the promoters of the tour, Minogue said she was sorry to have to disappoint her fans.

Time to evacuate?

At what point should you evacuate your office building? We're 85 per cent certain that our building might collapse in the next three to four hours, but we're still chatting, having coffee, sending email, writing blogs, taking calls.

This joint has been vibrating in a big way, all day. Even the computer screen is moving, but it is still business as usual.

Hold your coats?!

I refuse to be criticised for watching Big Brother by someone who chooses watch the OC. It's so 1999. Maybe if you were a teenager I could accept it, like, you know. But you're not. You should have jumped off the teenage American soap boat at Dawson's Creek. Glass houses, baby.

Meanwhile, Big Brother has to be one of the funniest shows on telly. Certainly funnier than the endless repeats of The Simpsons that Ten has been beating us to death with for the last decade. Do you seriously need to watch those yellow fools (hilarious as they are, first time round) at 6pm and 7pm every night of the week. God.

I'm not proud of loving BB, but credit where credit is due please. There is no other reality TV show that has managed to stay as fresh and maintain the consistently high ratings that BB pulls. The twins element this time around was sensational (they were exposed the other day by the dopey country boy), as are the $5000 fines. (One of the housemates got fined the other day for calling Big Brother a Jew. haha!) They have been in the house less than two weeks and they have already lost $95,000. At this rate, there will be no prize money by July. Plus, on Friday nights they all get to try and kill each other in this Gladiator style play off.

Anyway...what a great weekend! Debbie really knows how to throw a party.

After a quiet night drinking myself into oblivion with my girls from Video Sleazy, Debbie's 22nd was a welcome (plus two parts disturbing) surprise.

Like Jon, I went to Debbie's place pretty much certain that I'd head home when everyone else went into the city. But it took just seconds for the alcohol to take hold and all plans of an early night to evaporate. (I know midori is a key ingredient in some of the girliest girly drinks, but taken straight it's not to be sniffed at - knowing I'd be arriving late I thought I better have a few shots of something to help me catch up - I was wrecked within 45 minutes.)

Debbie's parties are always great, and Saturday was no exception. Lots of people. Lots of spillage. Romi was obliterated by the time I arrived, but managed to stage a recovery in order to "share" a taxi with TC and I into the city.

Tim and I picked up Scotto and his bitches from Retro. Man, Scotto was spot on about the crowd. It sucked big time. It was like fat was the new black in there.

After about 30 seconds at Retro we headed over to DV8 and hung out with all the goths...and Debbie and her friends. I thought I'd be terrified, but it was actually a pretty friendly atmosphere. Apparently Fish nearly got bashed up, but I didn't know about that at the time.

The only thing I don't like about the place is its nauseatingly predictable name. So boring.

Anyway, Jon and I played a game of pool against a couple of guys. They caned us to within an inch of defeat before the white ball followed the eight ball in. It would have been a costly lost.

There was ZERO security inside so Tim and I explored behind every NO ENTRY sign. We even found a second, hidden stairwell.

The rest is all pretty black and blurry. It went something like this. Black. Couches. Black. Bourban. Bourban. Black. Hardware Lane. Black. Debbie. ATM. Hardware Lane. Jon. Black. Bourban. Dance floor. Spinning. Black. Taxi. Door key. Black. Morning.

Did I mention that I went through a highly misogynist phase on Saturday night? It culminated with me wanting to tell Debbie and Allisa (when they asked me to mind their coats) "Hold your coats? Hold your coats?! If I had my way, you wouldn't even exist!" Of course, I held back, and have since dealt with that nasty side. Mostly. Can you be a part time misogynist? I think I'd really like that.

Aight - BB is on... better run.

another weekend passes through shots and beer glasses

hey thats a pretty good line for a song...

I thought I better lay done some info about my enraged post about channel 10. They insist on showing BB at every possible chance they can and as a result of teenage and metro hype pushing the beginning of the show they simply discarded the new episode of the Simpsons so that rather than quality scripted comedy gold we could watch a bunch of retarded (the guy thought B-I-N-G-O spelt BENJI, how can you defend that) horny morons sit around talking about random shit and trying to screw each other.

Which could be exciting if they actually showed it instead of replaying other people speculate on who hooked up like some kind of retarded year 12 lunch time gossip session. Ok, I have said my piece and I will BRING IT with anyone who wants to put evidence forward as to why the characters in big brother do not set the IQ curve slightly above “forest gump”.

And before you fire up about O.C. comparisons Ben remember that the people in the O.C. are actually attractive and don’t talk like Queensland bush pigs.

Well that was certainly a weekend. Kind of felt more like 2 party nights and then straight back to work having slept the majority of Saturday and Sunday.

Friday night saw tim, tommo and I in Brunswick St waiting for stu’s party to head over to RETRO. Drank at Bar Open where the highlight was a little fire drum that tried its best to keep us warm with varied success. Went to the perseverance on the way to the city. Tommo and Tim left to meet up with jon and the others and I went on to find Stu in a state as usual and josh pumped and dancing wildly to 80’s as usual.

After about half an hour of not seeing Stu people started asking the important question and the answer was a resounding but not surprising “he go kicked out” haha, respect.

Liz and her friend lisa eventually came to retro as well and josh and I left them there in the very late wee hours of the morning.

Saturday night I headed out for dinner with the bry at blue train which was cool. Hooked up with Vicki, pam and tom (her friends) and bar hoped around for a while where at the same time the rest of the crew was laying very sturdy foundations over at debbies house for her birthday party.

Hooked up with josh and headed once again to retro (no cover on a sat though which was good). The actually club was really bad compared to Friday, the music was no where near as good and the crowd was way older.

Then as the rest of the crew from debbie’s arrived we headed over to DV8. I don’t know if the powderfinger song “not my kinda scene” goes far enough to explain that place but I was pretty on edge the whole time I was there. Tim and Ben were making their own fun so I thought it can’t be too bad. Funniest thing ever was either seeing tim successfully climb a gated door and squeeze between it and the roof to the other side or seeing him climb a ladder that went nowhere except to him bashing his head on the roof. They are both equally good moments.

Bout 3am myself, bry, pam and Liz decided to head off and we began our 1 hour wait for a taxi over at the Flinders St taxi rank

In the morning I went back to sleep after the girls left and slept most of the day away which was equally relaxing and wasteful. It was bry’s birthday on Sunday so it seems this time of year is littered with birthdays.

Today I actually managed to get to work on time which is a bit surprising. At the moment just sitting around putting the finishing touches on THE 2005 which is very close to done.

Just harping back to the start before I go if you have fallen victim to the BB curse then don’t worry because you can watch 19 hours of it on the TV alone between now and next Sunday night, if you have the net the sky is the limit.

Out

Grime

You know you've had a good night out when you wake up the next morning to find your pants covered in dirt and grime. Who would've thought the floor of the goth club would be so dirty?

What do you want the computer to do?

If only I knew. It could start by making me some chicken noodle soup. Answer my emails, snicker at “amusing” forwards, compulsively check out-of-date band websites: all that tedious stuff I didn’t do ten years ago, or even five years ago. Turn a series of dot points and references into an essay, turn an essay into a blistering critique that lays waste to an increasingly arid and morally bankrupt academic landscape. When it won’t install a simple linguistics program, I’d like it to do the honourable thing and pour coffee on its own keyboard, or for a rock and roll touch throw itself out the window into a swimming pool. Shut down, log off, restart. I want it to introduce me to strange and exotic people and customs from faraway lands. Iron my shirts, have a taxi waiting if I’m late for the tram, sit me down and ask me the tough questions about where I think my life is going. Essentially, I want a cross between a PA, a ghostwriter and Tyler Durden. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

FUCK CHANEL 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck them right up their fuckin, fuckin

I am SOOO enraged I can't even talk about it

FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sugar, we’re goin’ down

Oh my god, I feel like a flailing fish. There are more hooks in the new fall out boy album than a fishing expo show. More about that later

Well as predicted it was one hell of an outrageous drunken house party weekend. It all started on Friday night when I went to the hairdresser after work with Kate and had blond streaks put in my hair which I think is awesome. Some said it makes me look like a total jock, so I bashed those nerds. Although after looking at photos from sat night I do see a bit of Shane Warne, that isn’t a bad thing though.

Where was I going? Oh yeah Friday. So I headed over to the Moshing Duck for the house warming party. Started off very relaxed, just some of us boys sitting round listening to some old rock and laying the foundations. I felt like I’d already had about 10 in cause I was so hyped up after buying the new fall out boy album that arvo and listening to some before I got there. At one stage I actually had to get my ipod and have a little mini mosh in an early stage cause I needed a fix.

The crew was quite good, all the usual suspects, new suspects like brylee and pam and some old time chaps like sean and sam from josh’s RMIT course. Got stuck right in starting with the pure blonde which has so few carbs I’m sure the rest of the weekend eating and drinking didn’t even count. It did take a while for the mosh to take off but we were pretty far along by that stage. Got into the jagerbombs with matty, jon and benno.

Tommo is way to perceptive for my liking, sure he may have seen us sneak off for a while but that guy knows too much of what is going down. Fun while it lasted, haha.

So after a great bout of moshing we headed off home to sleep and prepare for Matty’s big 21^st on Saturday night. Turns out I left too early to see moshusa accidently mosh himself and his face into a window but I had a fun night anyway.

Saturday I slept in after the girls left but managed to get up and head into the city with Ben and Duck to do some clothes shopping. Bought a couple of new shirts which was nice seeing as though I haven’t had new clothes since I went to Europe. Also got some new jeans and was pleased for find I was like 3 sizes smaller than when I left.

The big 21^st started off fairly family like with the relies all around for some pizza and starting off drinks. The crew that came through the night were plentiful and it was bout twice as many as Friday night at least. Funniest thing was seeing dad get absolutely smashed and was even fairly developed by the time he gave a speech at cake cutting time.

Matty did himself a mischief and popped out his knee (scott style) at the start of the mosh mix It seems that delaney’s have a conflicting love of mosh and weak knees. When the night was getting on a bit we turned the music outside down so moshua and I sought refuge in the study, cracked the shit out of my itunes mix and threw ourselves around and had a sing / mosh fest for at least an hour. Oh man I think I am addicted to moshing which probably goes hand in hand with my addiction to music.

Stayed up till 6 in the morning sitting around the fire with will (cousin) and a few others. Woke up at 4 in the arvo today and didn’t really do a whole lot other than listen to more fall out boy and work on some playlists. Emo In The Autumn II has been scraped!!! OH NO. But to be replaced by an even better cd which contains the best of all the music I have loved released in the last year and all will be revealed soon.

Mothers day dinner was peaceful and jon, mosh and benno came over for some coffee and since then just been mucking around playing guitar and such.

Song of the Week: Fall Out Boy – Sugar, we’re goin’ down

Best lyric of the week: Fall Out Boy from “of all the Gin joints in the world”

“Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness

Cause all of our moves make up for the silence

And oh the way your makeup stains my pillowcase

Like I’ll never be the same”

I have been trying to write a lyric that smooth for ages but got nothing.

Well hope everyone has a good Monday and week if I don’t see you.

Babel Fish vs the Babel fish

The Babel fish is a small creature which, when inserted in the ear, allows you to instantly understand any language in the Universe. Babel Fish is a machine translation program by Altavista. If Arthur Dent had had to rely on Babel Fish, rather than the Babel fish, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy might have ended up looking something like this:

The ' doorwaadbare place, ' insisted Arthur, ' I weet or does not sound this as a foolish question, but what I here doing?' be
' Weet you well that, ' aforesaid doorwaadbare place. ' I saved you of the ground.'
' and what to the ground?'
Ah have happened. It is destroyed.
Levelly ' have it, ' aforesaid Arthur.
Yes. It cooked only gone in space. ,
' Aforesaid Arthur ' look at, ' I am a beetje that it is disturbed concerning that.'
Doorwaadbare place which becomes to itself and those is seemed frowned the idea round its roll opinion.
' yes, I can understand that, ' he said eventually.
' understand that!' shouted Arthur. ' understand that!'
The doorwaadbare place leaped.
' keep the examining book!' he hissed urgent.
' what?'
' not panic.'
' I panicking not!'
Are ' yes you.'
' already the right so that panicking I, what differently there must do?'
You meet only with me and have enough time good. The pretplaats of the galaxy. You must this fish in your ear.

Moral of the story: pay a human to do your translations (preferably me). Or put the fish in your ear.

Beer Barrel Belly Buster

I feel fatter having just read this story about the Beer Barrel Belly Buster from Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Pennsylvania, Eiw, Ess, Ay!

It is a 6.25kg burger - 25 slices of cheese and 4.7kg of ground beef.

Famous last words: "Can I super size that?"

TODAY I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL

Written By Scott Delaney

Ok so today I am running late for work and by that I mean literally running in the direction of work. I’m half way up the big boy escalator at parliament listening away to a rockin song as you do and I stumble on the steps. I loose grip and I go down with my left knee slamming into the step in front of me. Now those steps are solid metal and they have JAGS!! Nasty bitches.

So I limp to work and start to feel blood so I actually look at what was making me ache and there are two big perfect puncture wounds on my knee from where I feel. No cut in my pants but wounds (go figure). Well after sitting around and getting sicker and sicker and sorer the OH and S guy whacked a elasto thing on it and I got sent of to St Vinnies to have it checked out.

I was quite surprised how good my public hospital experience was. Only waiting 10 mins which is less than my usual GP. Basic story was the doc checked it out and she said it was all good. Gave me a few pills and put some ice on it and a couple of bickys for bring a brave boy (or cause you can’t take drugs on an empty stomach, whatever).

So with the knee feeling fine (ish) I went back and worked the rest of the day.

Oh and had some yummy jap lunch at ISEKI with brylee so that was a good treat after a weird morning. Only shit thing is I didn’t get paid for the few hours I was off the phones cause I’m a contractor so that is balls but I guess its just one of those things when you’re an unco bastard like I am with my knees.

That is all

RAAF News: part the firste

Well folks, I passed the RAAF Pilot Ability Test today.

The damn thing was incredibly hard, consisting as it did of a speed gauge reading task, an essay, speed maths, speed Aviation maths, Speed processing tasks, Retention tasks, Hand-eye coordination tasks, Dual Hand-eye coordination taks, Hand-eye coordination tasks while doing maths with process rules, spatial awareness, manoevre recognition tasks... CRAZY

Don't know how well I went, just that I passed... Recruitment officer wasn't there today

More news tomorrow.

Mother's day is THIS weekend

I have discovered the coolest little gift shop in the entire world - and if you're still looking for a mother's day present, you've seriously got to get into this place.

It's called Rap, and it rocks. They have the coolest stuff and none of it is overly expensive. At first glance it all appears fairly predictable. Candles, aromatherapy gadgets, scarves, throws and fancy frames. But they have a lot other funky bits and pieces too. What makes this place really different from most gift shops though is that none of the stuff they have is junky. It would be impossible to walk out of this place with something that isn't going to go down a bloody treat with the recipient.

Oh, and here's the kicker. They wrap it all for free. And I don't just mean a bit of paper and a bow. This is the fanciest god damn wrapping you've ever seen. Of course, I guess that is to be expected in a shop actually called Rap.

Anyway - it is on Bourke Street, across the road from the old Bunnings store, between Hardware Lane and Elizabeth Street. Tiny little place, but you just can't go wrong.

BUYER BEWARE

So today at lunch time I thought I would go pick up some hair wax cause I’ve just been getting on around with a bit of a boofhead and thought I might shape it up. Little did I know what I was getting myself in to. So basically there is Gel, Grease, Cream, Wax, Fudge, Putty, Moose, Polish or Cement

And then there are numerous brands all with awesome cool wicked names like WAKK and BEAR and shit like that. Then to add complications every brand has a different “hold factor” rating. I am proud (I think) to say my hold factor rating is 4 which I believe is tougher than 3. I got CARBON FIBRE which I think is one setting stronger than FIBRE, I am still a bit freaked out and I haven’t even used it yet.

Apart from that not much happened to me today. Still morning that little suck hole rove’s victory over his royal awesomeness sir John Wood. Nothing against rove cause he cool but I mean tom croydon killed a man in cold blood and covered it up, what more do you need to win a loggie

That’s me done.

Tim stole the best line about April in his Blog (well done)

I’ll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel, I’ll lose you somewhere on a dusty shelf.

-- Senses Fail (what a line)

So this weekend has been quite nice. No where near as rambunctious or as much time travel to the 80’s as last week but still valid all round.

Friday night I started at work with some free drinks for the call centre put on by my team. I went in hard, very hard. By about 8 I was so smashed a couple of shots would have been a night ender but I realised that the night was very young so I pulled myself back from the brink by having a dance and sitting out of a few rounds at the Champagne Lounge where we went for a while. It was the work crew but also Ben, mosshua, tommo, brylee and pam rocked up to more 80s dancing. So I assumed that those girls think we are 80s obsessed but its all good. Tommo fired up about getting a pint of irish beer so we went to the European beer café.

Liz had misread an sms I sent and sent everyone off to NEXT to meet us hence tim’s trek across the CBD to find us. Watched the Blues just scrape themselves across the line against the Hawks. Hodaka was in the medallion club and got “escorted” out on the final siren for throwing a champagne glass on the ground as a sign of his disappointment with his boys performance.

Meanwhile in an inner NE suburb our crew landed in the last 25 mins of a blueline medic gig as Tim mentioned. I think I was the only one who was singing along and we were all hoping they would playing Making Nevoue Riche but they never did.

Decided against the barry’s and opted for couch real estate at bimbos for reasons tim eluded to. Had some more dirnks, watched a guy next to our couch dancin like a dickhead - looking like a fuck for a while and made our way off. Dropped into the fast food joint we always seem to end up at on Bruns (still don’t know what its called).

The crew now being me, mosh, duck and the girls we headed home and crashed at THE MOSHING DUCK (I just thought of that but that is sick and is now what Josh and Duckas house is refereed to). Man their house is cold, haha, woke up early with not much sleep on a matress on the floor and recovered slowly with some coffee and cigarettes.

Went down the driving range at riverside with Mosh, Dallas (mosh’s older bro) and Duck and smacked some balls around. With that done mosh had the hankerin for more balls, er, I mean he wanted to play some golf so we lassoed in a stray moose and headed over to Northcote. The mosh had a fairly average day and moose was pretty good as usual. The end result isn’t important because all played well.

Saturday night was a bit of a shamozel, it was both a group at our house and tom rizzos 21^st. Ended up just getting trashed quietly at home. The highlight was definitely ben rockin up learier than a leary geezer in a leariness contest and moving into his 13 hour of drinking after getting fershnicket and rolling around in the grass at the Yarra Valley wine and dance festival. We did an excellent Salsa and was almost so passionate I may be carrying ben’s child, it is the mystery of the dance. Oh yeah and saw the new Family Guy thanks to Crackers giving me an inside tip on where to download. So funny I almost died.

Today was a down day. I think I would like to reference Fall out boy now

“someday I’ll appreciate in value

get off my ass and call you

the mean time I’ll sport my brand new fashion

of waking up with pants on in 4 in the afternoon”

well that’s not really true, I didn’t have pants on at all.

So not to make the day a complete loss I gave a shout to the timmeister to get the first THE DRIVE HOME practice since I’ve come back into action. Have a few good songs going now and just have to remember some of the older ones. I forgot to tell Tim today but I think I will bring WHAT GOES UP back to life for those of us who remember the glory days of good morning (oh what good morning doesn’t get capital letters)

Tonight we did coffee with most of the usual suspects except mosh and Loz. Watched the new family guy with everyone for the 4^th time and caught some Viva la Bam.

Once I finish this might work on the emo in the autumn albums and have the housewarming play list to sweat over for the next 4 days.

Hope everyone had good weekends and are locked in for next weeks two house parties. So cheap, so drunk (likely), so dangerous. I noticed in the moshing duck there are low hanging lights so that could be very dangerous if a random moment of awesome rock strikes and moshing ensues, must remember that.

Until then Bitches

PREGGO!

PS Hagred and Matty, that is a WHAT THE..? in the making

You're the last day of April every year

Well that was a weird night. One minute it's all Vogons and spaceships at the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, then I recall traipsing from one side of the CBD to the other AND BACK, landing at the European Bier Cafe` then sucked by the unforeseen gravitational pull of a Blueline Medic gig, running into various random people on the street then to Bimbo's for the habit-forming chocolate pizza which I'll have to watch that or say goodbye to my svelte physique, discussing something esoteric with Thommo and then is that, they're not, THEY ARE! and Thommo and I slink off into the night. What happened after that you'll have to direct your queries to the parties in question.

Why is this time of year so packed? You think you've got a handle on the year, then it thickens or distends or coagulates and you're left with an altogether denser and less chewable proposition. All this by way of saying that the two events just announced clash horribly with various other things, but that not Mr Cantwell, not Gene Hackman nor any other authority figure short of God himself could keep me from them.